May 10, 2009
I am sad.
Ever since I graduated college, I've been in a transition period. I went from having a plan to having no plan. I went from being in a long-term relationship to being single. I went from living with others to living by myself.
I'm lonely. Friends and family are wonderful, but I long so much to be loved in that special way that I see happening to everyone around me. It seems that any girl who stands in a certain radius of me ends up getting engaged. I am so happy for them, but it's hard to be the only one who is not getting married. Not even close to getting married. I know that's ridiculous. I know I'm not the only one. I know I'm young. Blah blah blah. I know all that. The point is it FEELS like I'm the only one. And that's a sucky feeling.
It's hard to break away from my conservative upbringing. Hard not to think that I somehow "brought this upon myself" or that I'm being punished for something. I know I'm not perfect. I've done some really terrible things to the people I love most in the world. But I'm trying to be a good person. I'm trying to send love out in the world. I'm trying to do my part in making the world a better place. But I've always struggled with low self-esteem and this overwhelming feeling that I'm just not good enough.
"...and so I'm starting to think that this maybe might work and the second it entered my head..." --the last five years
I often wonder, "What am I doing wrong?"
I feel like a loser. I know everyone goes through rejections. I've learned how to accept professional rejections. Not getting cast in a play sucks. But it doesn't totally break me down. Directing a few shows has helped me see that casting directors are looking for someone to fit the role, and if I don't fit right, it's not (always) because my acting ability isn't there, it could be any number of things: my height, my voice, my facial structure. It could also be that I suck at acting, but I'd like to think I'm pretty good at that. :) And sure, it sucks that Holy Cow! didn't get chosen as participants in the Kansas City Improv Festival. I'm disappointed, but also have a renewed goal. I know we have fans, I know Rockhurst students love to come see our shows, and I know that we are a talented group of improv-ers. And there is always room to grow and learn more and work on things.
But when it comes to personal rejections, I do not do so well. How can you not take a personal rejection personally? How can my heart not be completely broken after three years? My life is so intertwined with his...
this is totally the suck.
:( I need a hug.
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1 comment:
I’ll try to be encouraging yet realistic, and I promise there will be no nauseating “everything happens for a reason” or “you’re still so young” B.S.
I long so much to be loved in that special way that I see happening to everyone around me.Some of your engaged friends are getting this special love…but some of them are not. Some of them are settling because it’s easier than trying to find something truly wonderful or because they don’t know the difference. Hold out for the wonderful—it’s worth it, whether you find it tomorrow or ten years from now.
The point is it FEELS like I'm the only one. And that's a sucky feeling.Yes, it is. Wanna feel better? When you’re ready, build up the nerve to chat a guy up. At a grocery store, a coffee shop…wherever. Not every guy will be receptive (or available, for that matter), but a lot of them will be beyond flattered because it just doesn’t happen to us very often. And don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t work the first time—I don’t know you, but your picture says you’re cute and your writing says you’re smart, and guys kinda dig those things.
It's hard to break away from my conservative upbringing. Hard not to think that I somehow "brought this upon myself" or that I'm being punished for something.A couple things here: I’m going to jump to the conclusion that by “conservative” you mean “religious”, and by extension a large number of your friends are religious. I only mention this because religious people tend to get married at a younger age, which compounds your feelings of being the only girl on earth without a ring. Also, the guilt sounds a bit Bible-induced…that’s not a knock; it’s an acknowledgement. All I can say is that it makes for a rough existence if you’re always beating yourself up and wondering what you did wrong. I seriously doubt you’ve done anything that should make your life a living purgatory. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
How can my heart not be completely broken after three years?It can’t not be. But it does heal, and I’d be willing to bet that you’re going to find your path, find your love, and in time you’ll find that you couldn’t imagine your life any other way.
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