Colby's Getting Married

My high school boyfriend just got engaged, and it's taken a toll on me somehow. I don't know why - maybe it's the finality of it all. Permanent proof that we weren't right for each other. I was wrong, and that's something with which I have a hard time dealing. I was so sure that we were going to get married and be high school sweethearts. How could I have been so sure about something and have it turn out to be wrong? The fact that everyone changes over time really screws a lot of people over, I think. I sit here today very glad I am not the one marrying CT, because I'm such a different person than I was five years ago. Eighteen-year-old Cindy was very much in love with CT, very sure about her thoughts on God and the protestant church (or any church for that matter), absolutely sure of her opinions on sex, drugs, and rock & roll and people who took part in such activities, more confused about government and politics, and less informed overall about everything. Twenty-three year old Cindy is less sure about God and the church, more sure of her thoughts on sex, drugs, and rock & roll and people who partake in such activities, more sure about government and politics, and more informed about everything but less certain (if that makes any sense). I know I'm going to change, and in five years I'll probably be a completely different person than I am today. But I can't live my life anticipating that I'll change my mind about something. I can't live in the future, and I can't live in the past. I need to learn to embrace who I am right now, knowing that I'll probably change but not letting it control me. That sounded more corny than I wanted, but I don't know how else to say it. Love is so...unstable sometimes. Or maybe all the time. My fairytale ideas of love are starting to fade, and when all of what I think love is or should be starts to change, then what? The thing that hasn't changed is how much it hurts to have my heart broken. No matter how many times I'm left standing there:

• as he drives away with his mom from my birthday party
• as he talks about how it's just not working and we should go our separate ways
• as he tells me he feels nothing for me anymore while he packs up my truck and says he still wants to be friends

it still hurts.