I Guess This Is Growing Up

I am a crier. When I was a little girl, I would cry about everything! I would cry when I got in trouble at school or home. I remember getting so nervous if someone said, "Can I talk to you for a second?" because I would immediately think, I'm in trouble. A few years ago I was working with MF down in C'ville over the summer. We were co-directing a children's summer theater camp, and I was in charge of the older kids, and he took the babies. I remember two of the younger boys in my group were acting up backstage, playing with something they shouldn't've been and being boys. I had to get them to stop so I pulled them back into the dressing rooms so I could calm them down. Before I could get, "Ok, what's going on?" out of my mouth, one of the little guys burst into tears! I saw so much of myself in him. Seeing it from the other side really made a difference. I wasn't going to yell at him, I was just going to teach him how to act properly backstage. It broke my heart to see him sob like that. I knew exactly how he was feeling. That experience helped me - but I still notice myself getting bleary-eyed and flushed when I'm receiving criticism. In acting, it's no big deal. For some reason I don't take it personally with acting or improv. But I think that's because "performance Cindy" is receiving the criticism. The other side of me (a side that is rarely seen by others) is a very sensitive side. I'm embarassed that I still act that way - it's so childish! I get all blubbery at the first sign of failure in my personal life. Why can't I just stand up and take it? I'm not very good at dealing with confrontations. I remember the first time I ever got really upset in public in college. CCC took a trip to Topeka to see BatBoy: The Musical and Fred Phelps' church was out protesting. I bawled like a baby. I was so angry and upset that they were there, holding their horrible signs with huge smiles on their faces. I was outraged! The other theater kids probably thought I lost my mind! I don't like showing that side of me because it makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I've always been independent. I want to be the best, and I don't want help. I just want to be instantly good at things, which I know is unrealistic. Anyway, I just wish I knew how to get this bleary-eyed flush-face under control when I'm receiving criticism, especially at work.